God help me
by OppositesExist
Summary: Uh-oh! Mirajane is taking over this story! Join her as she forces guys from Fairy Tail, Blue Pegasus, and Sabertooth to compete to become Lucy's girlfriend! Meanwhile, OppositesExist is trying to take back control! Rated T for safety. Mirajane isn't a writer so...
1. Captured!

**Mirajane: Everyone gather around! We will finally be getting Lucy a boyfriend! We will be doing the 100 question survey! YAY!**

**Lucy & me: HEY! **

**Mirajane: *ignores them* Anyway! Since I am taking over this story, let's meet the (forced) contestants!**

**Natsu Dragneel!**

**Gray Fullbuster!**

**Loki/Leo the lion!**

**Hibiki Lates!**

**Laxus Dreyar!**

**Fried Justine!**

**Sting Eucliffe!**

**And Rogue Cheney!**

**Also! For the questions, the boys will be in different rooms so they don't copy each other's answers.**

No one's POV, in the questioning room.

Rogue: Why am I here?

Sting: Because that Lucy chick has a smoking hot body.

Hibiki: Sorry boys, but I am going to get Lucy.

Loki: It is soo on.

Natsu: What do you mean get Lucy?

Gray: Natsu, you dense flame-brain!

Natsu: What did you say Elsa? *Begins fighting Gray*

Laxus: I guess I'll do this survey. Not like I have much of a choice.

Fried: Evergreen kidnapped me to come here.

**Question #1: What magic does Lucy use? Both magic. **

Hibiki: Easy! Celestial Spirit magic and hyper magic!

Loki: I know from Gemini Hyper magic and Celestial Spirit magic.

Rogue: Celestial Spirit magic and hyper magic.

Sting: Celestial Spirit magic…. And….. Requip magic?

Natsu: Celestial Spirit magic and that planet magic… thingy.

Gray: Celestial Spirit magic and hyper magic.

Laxus: Celestial spirit magic…

Fried: Celestial Spirit magic.

**With the girls and a tied up Lucy.**

"Mira! Why do you do this to me!" Lucy whined. She felt herself being untied by none other than Titania Erza Scarlet.

"Because so far I have Jellal, Evergreen has Elfman, and Levy has Gajeel. It's your turn." The girls Erza just mentioned were smiling evilly at Lucy, ready to block her if she decides to escape. Also Juvia was there, but she was being held back by Mirajane to get to Gray.

"Oh god what did I do?"

**Back to the boys**

**Question #2: Is Lucy weak?**

Natsu: No way! She's tough as nails!

Gray: If she's part of Fairy Tail, obviously she's not weak.

Hibiki: She may not be as strong as Titania, but if she was weak, I wouldn't have taught her Hyper magic.

Loki: She's the strongest Celestial Spirit wizard in history.

Laxus: I'll admit she's got guts and skill because she took down Bickslow. But she isn't THAT tough.

Fried: I would say no.

Sting: If she lost twice in a row at the GMG then yes.

Rogue: No comment.

**To the girls.**

"I loved Natsu, Hibiki, and Loki's answers!" Mirajane went into fangirl mode and imagined what everyone's babies would look like.

"Lu-chan! Do you want to pick your boyfriend now?" Levy said giggling. Lucy glared daggers at her best friend, making Levy flinch.

"I am going to murder all of you!" Lucy yelled.

"Love rival! Murder them so Juvia can get to Gray-sama! I objected this idea when Gray was mentioned!" Juvia was thrashing around so Mirajane tied her up.

**To the boys**

**Question #3: What do you think would be a perfect setting for a first date.**

Natsu: Your place of course! Wait what's a date again?t

Gray: That beach resort we went to. When Loki gave us those tickets?

Loki: My place in the Celestial Spirit world.

Hibiki: At the beach, during a sunset!

Laxus: Your place in the dark so I can fuck your brains out.

Fried: Tenrou Island.

Sting: A dark alley so I can have you for a meal.

Rogue: The DokiDoki Ryuuzetsu Land? I still don't know why someone with long white hair kidnapped me.

**To the girls**

"Laxus and Sting are going to die." Lucy simply stated. Mirajane went into fangirl mode again and started making pterodactyl noises.

"Yup, Mirajane's lost it." Levy, Erza, and Evergreen said simultaneously. All of the other girls sweat-dropped in unison when Mira passed out.

**To the boys**

**Question #4: How many golden keys does Lucy have?**

Natsu: Um… 10?

Gray: 10

Loki: 10

Hibiki: 9?

Laxus: 7

Fried: 10

Sting: Who cares?

Rogue: If Yukino has 2… 10?

**Back to the girls.**

"LET ME AT STING!" Lucy growled. Levy started laughing her ass off while Erza barely held Lucy down.

"I think I made the wrong choice with Sting…" Mira said sweat-dropping.

**Question #5: Who is Lucy's best friend?**

Natsu: Me! Right?

Gray: Levy

Hibiki: That blue-haired girl who likes Gajeel.

Loki: Levy or Natsu.

Laxus: That girl Gajeel hurt.

Fried: Levy.

Sting: That bookworm?

Rogue: Natsu.

**Back to the girls.**

"Loki was correct! I want you two to have babies now!" Mira demanded.

**Mirajane: *locks Exist in a closet* Well that's all we have for this chapter! So far these are the people I approve for Lucy!**

**Natsu**

**Gray**

**Fried**

**Hibiki**

**Loki**

**Rogue**

**Me: HELP! I want to write something else!**

**Mirajane: NEVER!**


	2. Randomness and Insanity

**Mirajane: Looks like we're back guys! I still have OppositesExist locked up so…. **

**Exist: HELP! I WANT TO WRITE A ROLU STORY!**

**Mirajane: LATER!**

**Kimmy Rose: EXIST! I'll get you out of there! But first, SHUT THE HELL UP!**

**Mirajane: Oh Kimmy! Haven't seen you in forever girlfriend!**

**Kimmy Rose: Mira! How's the matchmaking going? I see you've kidnapped Exist and made boys take a survey. Still got those evil genes in you!**

**Exist: I thought you were supposed to help me!**

**Kimmy Rose: *too sweetly* Oh you want my help? Are you SURRRRRRE?**

**Exist: *sigh* let's just finish his story which is…. 20 CHAPTERS?**

**Mirajane: SILENCE PEASENT!**

**Exist: Kimmeh!**

**Kimmy Rose: Oh god he knows my weakness, you know South Park and how that kid can only say his name like Timmeh!**

**Mirajane: Let's kill him later.**

**Exist: MEEP!**

**To the boys 3 person POV**

**Question #6: You forgot Lucy's birthday, and you only have 5 minutes to get her a good present. What is it?**

Natsu: I guess I'd give her my scarf because it's something extremely valuable and I know she will cherish it.

Gray: An ice statue of the guild.

Hibiki: Tickets to only the finest beach resort.

Loki: 1. I would never forget Lucy's birthday and 2. I would get her a necklace that has all of the signs of the zodiac.

Laxus: I don't know a book?

Fried: umm… Makeup and books?

Sting: Tampons…. *stifles laughter*

Rogue: Maybe a book about constellations?

**To the girls (and Exist)**

"Sting is so going to die." Kimmy stated pulling out a knife. She had a sadistic look on her face and she was ready to kill. Instantly she started stabbing the wall and started jumping around in glee.

"Oh that's right, Kimmy Rose constantly suffers from Mood Swings and she goes from sadistic to kawaii in mere seconds," Mira mentioned while sweat-dropping. "Also Natsu and Loki's answers were absolutely adorable!" Mirajane went into another fangirl coma.

"Let me kill Sting first." Erza said requipping into Purgatory armor. *1 cut-scene later* Erza came back into the room with teeth stuck on her fist, blood on her shoes, and her sword gone.

"You know what Mirajane? I think- I think it's best I stay in this closet for a long time, take as much time as you want with the story." Exist said from behind the door.

"I had a feeling that would happen," Mirajane sweat-dropped again.

**Back to the boys. **

**Question #7: You and Lucy had kids. You have one boy and one girl. What are their names? **(Kimmy Rose's question)

Natsu: Igneel and Homura.

Gray: Aki and Ur.

Hibiki: Jace and Ryuko

Loki: Leo and Madoka.

Laxus: No kids fuck that.

Fried: I don't want kids. **-_-**

Sting: Sting Jr. and Sayaka.

Rogue: Ryos and Kyoko

**To the girls**

"Excuse me for a moment." Mirajane went Demonic Sitri and she slammed open the doors to Laxus' and Fried's rooms.

*5 long minutes later*

"Done!" Mirajane returned to normal and was coated in lots of blood and teeth.

**Question #8: Describe Lucy in one word. **(Kimmy Rose's question)

Natsu: Tough.

Gray: Kind.

Hibiki: Gorgeous.

Loki: Sexy.

Laxus: Hot.

Fried: Intelligent.

Sting: Bimbo

Rogue: Smart?

**To the girls**

"Sting… Is a fucking idiot and I want to murder him with a hammer." Lucy said raising a hammer the size of Wendy. Exist slammed open the door, saw the huge hammer and slowly backed up and locked the door shut.

"Was that the real author Mira?" Levy asked tilting her head.

"Yeah… I heard he's going to work on a Rolu story." Mira casually said. Secretly she was fangirling because Rolu was one of her OTP's of the week.

"What's Rolu Mirajane?" Wendy asked confused.

"Sit down Wendy let me tell you a story!" Mirajane quickly sat down Wendy and pulled out notes and PowerPoint presentations. **(A/N: Deal with it, they have Microsoft whatever back then)**

**Back to the boys.**

**#9: Lucy is sad, so cheer her up. What do you do?**

Natsu: Kill the jackass that made her sad and cuddle with her. Mira what's cuddling? I read the note right? Right?

Gray: Kill the fucktard who made you sad. Then get you cookies.

Hibiki: Hug you until you are not sad.

Loki: Talk about it and THEN kill the fucking jackass who made her sad.

Laxus: Pleasure?

Fried: Kill the person(s) who made her sad. Then have a cup of tea while discussing books.

Sting: I'd fuck your brains out and give you some amnesia.

Rogue: Honestly it depends. If you are really depressed probably get Frosch because it's impossible to be sad if he's in the room.

Frosch: Fro thinks so too.

**To the girls**

"OH MY GOD FROSCH IS SO CUTE!" All the girls passed out from the amount of adorableness they are processing.

**Already back to the boys**

**Question #10: What kind of pet would you get Lucy?**

Natsu: Maybe something that looks like a dragon?

Gray: Cats?

Hibiki: Anything she wants.

Loki: Leo Junior… Yes that's a real spirit.

Laxus: A golden retriever?

Fried: A little Chihuahua.

Sting: Me with cat ears, tail, and without a shirt.

Rogue: The most friendliest and playful dog I can find.

**Now… IT'S TIME FOR A BREAK! **

All the guys entered the girls room where they can finally take a break… Or so they thought.

"Alright boys! Since it's break time, you will do a certain challenge that Lucy will be forced to pick!" Mirajane threw the microphone at Lucy's head, which created a bright red bump.

"I don't know! Sing?" All the boys paled and attempted to escape, but were blocked by a death glare from Erza.

They all forced Natsu to sing first.

"Umm…. Oh I know! I hope!" Natsu exclaimed taking the mic. Anyways it was all funny/horrible/actually good.

Natsu sang Snow Fairy by Funkist.

Gray sang with Loki, Hibiki, and Sting Zero by VFC.

Laxus and Fried both sang their own version of Hey Lucy. Kind of sad.

Rogue sang Angel with a Shotgun by The Cab.

"Woah! I didn't know they could sing! I loved hearing Natsu, Laxus, Fried, and Rogue sing!" Mirajane clapped happily. She then started imagining what all of their babies would be like, wedding plans, baby showers, and lots of disturbing things you don't want to know.

"NOW BACK INTO YOUR ROOMS!" Erza demanded. The 8 hugged each other while Loki went back to the Celestial Spirit World.

**Mirajane: That was a good chapter! I love myself for thinking of the singing competition!**

**Kimmy Rose: Hey Mira and Exist thanks for inviting me here! And this actually went well!**

**Lucy: Only 90 more questions to go. *shoots self***

**Levy: No Lucy! We need to pair you up!**

**Wendy: *heals her* You're not leaving us that easily!**

**Lucy: Wendy…. WHYYYYY**

**Evergreen: Shut up.**


	3. What the fuck?

**Exist: 2 reviews? Really? 13 followers *poker face***

**Exist: Also! I am so sorry for the wait!**

**Mira: Shut up.**

**Kimmy Rose: I am here also!**

**Lucy: 17 more chapters to go…**

**Erza: Lucy did you know that once we get to 50 questions…**

**Levy: Shhh! Don't tell her!**

**Wendy: Romeo-kun! Where are you!**

**Exist: Wendy look at this script for a moment.**

**Wendy: *reads script* *goes dragon-force on Exist***

**Mira: umm… TO THE STORY!**

**Question 11: When Lucy is on her period for one week, what do you do to help?**

Natsu: Gray… Want to take a quest?

Gray: Natsu! I'll let you murder me if you get me out of this.

Loki: Flowers, chocolate, tampons, books, and cuddles from the cuddle monster. Also plush toys of your favorite spirits.

Hibiki: LOTS OF CHOCOLATE!

Laxus: I am fucking out.

Fried: umm….. I have no clue.

Sting: RUNNING AWAY! Yukino on her period is bad enough!

Rogue: I have lots of experience of forcing Sting to help me take care of Yukino. So… We'll need lots of chocolate, wet towels, LOTS OF CUDDLES, food, water, tampons, blankets, movies, etc…

**To the girls**

"Awww! Rogue is so nice!" Mirajane started fangirling again and imagining what their babies would look like. "OH MY GOSH YOUR BABIES WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE!" Mirajane passed out and looked like she died.

Wendy, Levy, Kimmy, and Erza even started to join her. Juvia actually started crying and that scared me because A) I forgot she was in the room B) She was probably thinking Gray would leave her in her mind and C) she has enough tears to fill an ocean.

Lucy started crying a little because most of the boys would leave her. Only Loki, Hibiki, and Rogue would actually stay with her during that painful week.

"Hey Erza? Line up Natsu, Gray, Laxus, Fried, and Sting outside ok?" Lucy shook Erza awake and told Erza the plan. She had a creepy grin on as she also got Kimmy, Mira, and Wendy to come with them.

*10 minutes later*

Lucy Urano Metria'd Natsu.

Erza went Fairy Armadora on Gray's ass **(Just kidding, but you can't recognize him anymore.)**

Mirajane used her Takeover Satan Soul: Demonic Sitri. On Laxus for being a jackass.

Kimmy used her black hole magic and made Fried scared beyond belief.

Wendy absolutely murdered Sting with her Sky Drive.

**Question #12: Why are YOU taking this survey.**

Natsu: Erza beat me to an inch of my life.

Gray: Mira kidnapped me.

Hibiki: I came here because I could.

Loki: Because Lucy should be mine. *winks*

Laxus: Mystogan made me.

Fried: Because Laxus did this.

Sting: Wendy kidnapped me.

Rogue: Minerva wanted me to get a girlfriend or make sure I die alone.

**To the girls.**

"Guys!" Lucy whined. The girls mentioned by the boys sweat-dropped and started awkwardly laughing.

"Kimmy? Can we watch Madoka Magica after this?" Exist said sweat-dropping behind the door.

"No! That show is so dark and weird! SPOILER ALER-" Juvia covered her mouth because she just started the anime.

"WHYYYYYY!" Lucy yelled to the roof.

**To the boys. Question #13 If Lucy was raped, what's the first thought that comes to your mind.**

Natsu: Rip that pervert's balls off.

Gray: Freeze him/it to death.

Hibiki: Hug her and take care of until she's better.

Loki: Comfort Lucy and THEN murder the fucking asshole.

Laxus: Electrocution?

Fried: Murder him.

Sting: Kill him because I wanted to be her first.

Rogue: Books, murder him, cuddling, torture his soul, food, rip out his throat.

**To the girls.**

"Somehow I am not surprised by these answers. Except Sting, he really wants to die?" Lucy held up a silver key and imagined stabbing Sting with it.

"Oh no… RUN! IT'S DEMON LUCY!" Levy evacuated the building and dragged Exist to the Pacific Ocean so he can be safe.

*One brief year later*

**Question #14: You just messed up horribly and Lucy turned demon. What now?**

Natsu: Run like hell.

Gray: Move to the Celestial World.

Loki: Pray to the Celestial King to not die. I would at least stay.

Hibiki: If Demon Lucy was so bad we had to leave for a year, than I better not screw up or face death. So give her gifts, chocolate, and do chores for her.

Laxus: Run.

Fried: Put her in a runes trap until she calms down.

Sting: Give her a little something something. *wiggles eyebrows*

Rogue: I have no idea.

**To the girls**

"Am I seriously THAT scary?" Lucy asked. Exist muttered 'yes' behind the closet door. Lucy smiled all too sweetly as she slammed open the closet door. Kimmy rose handed her a knife and fell asleep on the floor with a sadistic look.

**Question #15: How would you ask Lucy out? (Kimmy Rose question.)**

Natsu: What does that mean?

Gray: Get down on one knee and tie her shoe. Then ask her out.

Loki: I'd get her in a good mood and have our date at the waterfall where she saved my life.

Hibiki: I'd seduce her.

Laxus: No.

Fried: Discuss it over books and coffee.

Sting: Cuddles?

Rogue: M-maybe over b-books? And when she's having f-fun and in a g-good mood? *Turns 50 shades of red*

**To the girls**

"Oh my god Rogue is so kawaii when he's shy!" Kimmy and Mirajane started fangirling in the corner. You could almost hear the angry yells from Yukino as well.

**Exist: I am sorry for the lateness…. But Rogue is kawaii when stuttering and fangirls can't deny. **

**Rogue: Why are you making me like her? Isn't Rolu just a- *gets tied up and gets choked by a sock* **

**Exist, Kimmy, and Mirajane: LOVE HER DAMNIT!**


	4. Merry Christmas! Please forgive me

**Mirajane: Oh hello everyone! *finishes beating up Exist* Anyways… It's been forever since we last updated and because the author just keeps trying to write stories that aren't good. Also today is Christmas! MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS! HERES OUR PRESENT!**

**Exist: Um…**

**Mirajane: Also we will have a** **Christmas Special for Fairy Tail…**

**Exist: Wait!**

**Mirajane: Sword Art Online**

**Exist: HEH?**

**Mirajane: Also… It's a special one this time! 10 questions!**

**Exist: Oh my god.**

**Mirajane: NOW TO THE STORY!**

**Question 16: Why would Lucy choose you as her partner?**

Natsu: Because I am "hotter" then Ice Princess.

Gray: Since I am "cooler" than everyone else here.

Loki: Why wouldn't she choose me?

Hibiki: Because I am perfect.

Laxus: Probably because I am saner then everyone here.

Fried: Because of our passion for books.

Sting: Because I am hot.

Rogue: If she did, I would have no idea why.

_To the girls_

"Honestly… I think I should hurt Natsu and Gray just for those horrible puns." Kimmy said holding up her axe with an insane look on her face.

Mirajane just held up a pair of scissors and got into a strange ghost girl costume.

"WRONG ANIME!" Someone from the closet roared.

"SHHH STOP BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL EXIST!" Wendy hissed behind the door.

"Anyways… Back to the questions?" Levy sweat-dropped in confusion.

**Question #17: **You get to spend one day a year with Lucy. What day and why? (I owe Kimmy Rose a lot for helping me with this story. I seriously do.)

Natsu: July 7th, the day the dragons disappeared.

Gray: Christmas day.

Loki: Valentine's Day.

Hibiki: Valentine's Day.

Laxus: February 30th….

Fried: Thanksgiving.

Sting: Valentine's Day.

Rogue: Any day you want. (I have no idea)

_To the girls_

"Hey Wendy what were you freaking out about last chapter?" Levy asked the petite girl.

"It involves Romeo… And if I say her name I will literally blow up Magnolia."

"OK I'LL TAKE IT OUT! But…. #ROWENWITHNOREGRETS" Exist prayed to god he would not die that day.

"Oh Exist! I'D LIKED TO TALK WITH YOU!" Wendy spoke through gritted teeth.

_Boys room_

**Question #18: What anime do you think Lucy would like?**

Natsu: An-me? Is that a food?

Gray: Maybe… Free!

Loki: Fruits Basket?

Hibiki: Maybe Sailor Moon?

Laxus: That show about girls in dresses with guns, swords, bows, and spears? Also maybe a trumpet?

Fried: Not sure.

Sting: Maybe Lucky Star? Tokyo Ghoul? Corpse Party?

Rogue: Angel Beats.

_To the girls_

"Are any of those actually good?" Lucy asked.

"Don't watch Corpse Party or Tokyo Ghoul. Also the show Laxus mention was Madoka Magica. All of them are fucked up in one way or another." Erza stated with a faraway look in her eyes.

"Uhhh…" Everyone else began.

**Question #19: If you were a fruit, what would you want to be?**

Natsu: Peas?

Gray: What the hell kind of question is that?

Loki: A… tangerine?

Hibiki: Grapes?

Laxus: What the fuck?

Fried: No idea.

Sting: Banananananna

Rogue: The hell?

_Girls_

"Who's the genius who came up with THAT idea?" Lucy asked sarcastically.

A faint smile was on Mira's face before she started sobbing in the corner.

"NICE GOING LUCY!" A certain person who won't "exist" in a moment bellowed. (Bad puns are bad puns kiddies)

**Question #21: Why you guys stupid?**

Natsu: Stop…

Gray: No…

Loki: I am fucking three thousand.

Hibiki: I use archive magic and it can only be used by people who are Stephen Hawking and Albert Einstein smart.

Laxus: What? (Never saw the vine)

Fried: Huh? (also never saw it)

Sting: I AM NOT STUPID.

Rogue: *says nothing just face-palms*

_Girls_

"…"

**Question #22: How many shots of beer can you take?**

Natsu: Around 60

Gray: 60

Loki: 1535 shots at best

Hibiki: 36

Laxus: 79

Fried: 68

Sting: 52

Rogue: 110

_Girls_

"Is anyone actually trying on these?" Mira muttered under her breath. Juvia was in the corner, getting thirty glasses of beer and knowing what she's doing later. Poor Gray.

**Question #23: Does anyone know what Shrek is love, Shrek is life is?**

Natsu: No…

Gray: OH GOD!

Hibiki: Should I?

Loki: Please stop.

Laxus: Huh?

Fried: Guilty.

Sting: *Excalibur face from Soul Eater*

Rogue: Nooooooooo

_Girls_

"What is Sting doing?" Kimmy asked.

"AM I REALLY THE ONLY OTAKU AROUND HERE?" Exist shouted.

"YES NERD!" All the girls roared. You could practically see the fandom ready to kill.

"CUT SHORT! CUT SHOR-"


End file.
